My life these past few years has been crazy to navigate. At times I feel like I don’t have a second to breathe. I have major hurdles that take me to my breaking point — and sometimes beyond.
Why has everything become so challenging? And how do I stop feeling like I’ve lost control? How do I deal with it? How do I get back my life? My spirit? My power? Everything that I had given away?
Then I remember. I always remember … prayer. I will heal through prayer. I will become my own superhero with prayer.
Prayer is what I’ve used my entire life. It’s what I turn to on my path to survive the challenges. It’s what empowers me to escape toxic relationships and environments that keep me from being my true self. It’s what gives me the faith to restart and move forward. I’ve had many breakdowns, but when I surrender to my Creator, that’s when I experience true strength.
But forgiveness? How could I forgive?
Then I remember. I always remember … prayer. I will forgive through prayer.
I ask for the strength to forgive all that has happened in my past. I ask that God take the heaviness from my heart and free me from the pains of the past so that I can pave my way to a bright new future.
Through prayer, I also learned I have to revisit the places of my past — to forgive. This has been a vital step for me so I can surrender at those places and then let it go.
It’s not easy.
I recently revisited my alma mater, USC, where my husband and I fell in love when we were just teens.
I could feel the sadness and hurt and betrayal bubbling through my blood. My thoughts raced … “This was where it all began and the patterns of dimming my light and success in order to enhance his. It was where I started to sacrifice my success to help him achieve his. I gave my power to him and helped him achieve his dreams while I never got support in return.” I was so upset. It had to stop!
And so … I prayed. And I forgave. And the sadness and hurt and betrayal began to fall away. Layer by layer. Piece by piece. Tear by tear.
I revisited downtown Los Angeles where I had given all my power to my husband.
And again, the anger and pain arose. My thoughts started racing again … “Instead of focusing on making my dreams happen, I did everything to make sure his did. I thought if he achieved what he said would make him happen, then we could be happy. That I would then get support in return. But, that was never the case and nothing changed no matter what success we had on the outside. For four years he miraculously lived his dreams playing with the Dodgers after we struggled for two years through his injury and recovery. We lived in a beautiful downtown high rise — a life that was complete opposite of my true inner being. We had the picture perfect life from the outside with tons of success and a big house, but within that home felt broken. I had been giving my power away and I started to suffer from holding in my truth. And after sacrificing myself and career to help him, he held it against me and I found myself in a life of control and abuse.” I was so upset. It had to stop. I had to make the tough choice to leave it all behind. Again … I prayed. And I forgave. And again, the sadness and hurt and betrayal began to fall away.
Prayer helped me release those painful times and heal on a deep level. By changing my internal being, I transformed my outer life. So in the past year, I’ve revisited many places significant to my past and prayed at each one. I forgave. And I let go.
You know, I am grateful I got to be a top athlete, go to USC, work on television, marry my college sweetheart, and have all of what appears to be the things we are taught are true “success.” It’s as if everything I experienced helped pave my path to a closer connection with God, the universe, and with myself. At any moment I’ll stop and just pray to help me through this transformation, and every time I do, I’m reminded just how powerful prayer is.
These experiences made me realize that nothing else matters if you lose your soul and spirit. Your gift is your light and that grows when you connect to that place within yourself. So…
Go back. And pray. And forgive. And let go.
And slowly you’ll get back your spirit. Your soul. Your power. Your happiness. Your light. And you will see that you can be your own superhero.